Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.