Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
This is enough internet for the day.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.