Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain