Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”