Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I need to update my racial profile.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.