Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.