Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*