Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

These work great until they don’t.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.