Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART