Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
hmmm
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.