Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You Might Also Like
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.