Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.