Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap