Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played ⭐⭐

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”