Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
You Might Also Like
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
True story 🤣
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters