@Love_bug1016

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

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@sageboggs

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

@kharizzmaaa

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

@david8hughes

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”