“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Me: *jazz hands*
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Judge: *softly* omg
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced