Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

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“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.


Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.


Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.


Me: *jazz hands*


1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh


Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’


I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.


Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*


Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled


To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced