Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
bury ourselves
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.