Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
I’m bagnostic


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs


Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people


Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it


Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.


[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?


Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.


Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”