Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement