Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
i- i did not expect this
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him