Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?