Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”