avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
FRED: right
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL