Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY