(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
You Might Also Like
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.