Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Siri, fight Alexa.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.