Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

The news in a nutshell.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.