Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.