Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.