Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Choose your fighter
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime