Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance