AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
You Might Also Like
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Donkey Kong sommelier
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.