AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Would you wear it?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”