[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?