Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.