Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.