Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.