Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.