Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?