Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl