Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.