Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
hmmmmmm
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
new wife guy just dropped
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?