Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Saturday
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.