Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
this country is so goddamn polarized
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
