Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
First I was a pebble..
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Twitter is an abusement park.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
