Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
