Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
