Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice