Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
💀💀
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
