Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Planet of the Apps.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂