A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca