My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind