Aw man, but that’s the best part
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I like crazy people until they notice me
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.