Aw man, but that’s the best part
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
What
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]