Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most