Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.