Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
yea so i messed up lol
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
got so much cardio in today
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something