Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
They’re not wrong
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers