Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.