Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.