Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Somebody call the cops.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
the dark web is just a goth google.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
😂😂
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The photographer’s assistant
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out