Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
This 4th of July, please remember…
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people