Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
You Might Also Like
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
No, he would not have.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar