Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it