Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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Beauty and the Beast
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
#Caturday
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.