Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

turning my gender off to conserve energy

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.