Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Camping tip: No.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.