Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucky old June.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope