Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Yep.

Wait a minute…

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.