[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
And then there were 4
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?